February 14, 2020 2 Comments

How Finding Work is Like Finding Love

The rings in a binder in the shape of a heart — https://www.flickr.com/photos/entrospeck

A few years ago, I had the privilege of speaking with Dan Ariely, author and Duke University Professor of Psychology and Behavioural Economics, at his book launch. In the book, he mentioned the challenges that people face finding love on online dating sites. It got me thinking about the parallels between the struggles finding work and finding love, and the fact that we have still not succeeded in creating particularly effective systems to connect job seekers and job openings (or people to one another). AI is smart, but not smart enough to figure out what makes people “click” with each other.

While there are qualified job seekers and suitable jobs out there, somehow it is exceedingly difficult to connect the two; the question is what works?

Based on my experience as an employment expert, I have concluded that there are real parallels between what works for finding work and love. To test this theory, I decided to research “how to find love”, which yielded a lovely, common-sense Wikihow post that demonstrates my theory pretty well. It recommends 10 steps to help “find love”, most of which can be neatly applied to job search. It divides the 10 steps into 3 main parts:

Know Yourself
Reach Out
Make Moves

Employment counsellors also typically advise job seekers to:

Know their strengths, weaknesses and assets, and share them in resumes, LinkedIn, and in information and job interviews.
Reach out to network contacts and potential employers.
Make moves to meet in person with potential employers and network contacts.

PART ONE: KNOW YOURSELF

1. “Understand what you have to offer.”

Consider what you bring to a relationship:

Your best qualities — what are your strengths or unique assets?
Your interests — what areas of work do you specialize in?
your weaknesses — what would you like to improve in yourself as an employee? What parts of your job make you feel uncomfortable?

For job seekers, this is excellent advice: identify your assets, professional interests and weaknesses; understand them and be willing to discuss them openly (obviously, only as they relate to your ability to do the job).

2. “Build confidence”

Identify your strengths, and practice being able to talk about them confidently.

“Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, a hilarious crowd pleaser or a very kind friend, be confident about what you have to offer”.

Know what you have and own it. Confidence comes from understanding what makes you a strong candidate, and being able to back that up with examples from your experience.

3. “Know what you are looking for.”

All relationships benefit from clarity of purpose. Do you know what you are looking for in a job? Have you thought through and evaluated your priorities?

Write down what you consider most important characteristics for your next job, such as salary, status, keeping busy, social connections, a chance to build your career, or learning new skills. Try to not being too specific or too superficial in your preferences; if you are too selective, you might narrow your options too much and miss out on opportunities which you might regret later.

It may also be helpful to write down a list of definite “NOs.” What won’t you compromise on?

PART TWO: REACH OUT

4. “Meet people.”

“One of the best ways to do this is to start by making friends. It is always said that making friends is the surest way to finding love, and that’s because it’s true; it’s a great way to build a mutual relationship based on caring and trust.”

The same can be said for job search – make sure to reach out to people. Avoid hiding behind your computer screen. You are mostly likely to find work (especially work that meets your unique needs and skills) through networking. Networking starts with meeting people.

Don’t be quick to reject an opportunity based on superficial criteria – love at first sight is a rare and often unsustainable thing. Look beyond your notion of what your ideal employer might be like – avoid restricting yourself based on superficial criteria such as location, travel time, company size, brand, job title. Think about your long-term goals; consider whether this opportunity might move you in the right direction.

Expect success to take time. Commit resources, effort and time to finding the right opportunity. Be patient.

To find love, “accept invitations to parties, sporting events, and concerts. If you aren’t much of a joiner, ask a few people out for lunch or coffee. The point is to create a lot of situations that give you the chance to get to know people – and it’s hard to do that from home”. This applies to job search just as well: stretch yourself beyond you natural tendency for independence and self-sufficiency – reach out. Go to workshops and conferences, volunteer and do what it takes to meet new people.

5. “Present yourself as someone who is available.”

Let people know that you are looking for work. Send out resumes to those who might know someone. Mention it to friends and former colleagues. (Careful not to overdo it though – no one wants a desperate person.)

Make sure you have an easy-to-find online presence. Sites such as LinkedIn provide good opportunities to showcase your skills. Be aware of how you appear to others, online (Google yourself!) a in terms of professional dress (no perfume – this is job search, after all.)

When meeting with network contacts, practice active listening. Be attentive, make yet contact and ask curious questions. Thank people afterwards for the meeting and stay in touch. When you meet them next, or reach out again, try to follow up by recalling something he or she said and mentioning it at the beginning of the conversation. Show people you are paying attention.

Be honest and genuine. Your ability to talk about your strengths and weaknesses with confidence is, as the article suggests “an act of courage, and that’s attractive”.

6. “Try dating services.”

I suppose we could describe LinkedIn, networking meetups, recruiting sites as “dating services” for job seekers and employers. Even volunteering in a place where you can meeting potential colleagues and employers might be a great place to find employment “love”. As the article states: “you might find it easier to get to know people in places that facilitate conversation.”

PART 3: MAKE MOVES

7. “Ask people on dates”

Reach out to people who might be able to help or support you, and take up any opportunity to meet face to face and have a conversation by phone. Informational interviews can be very beneficial for both you and a potential employer.

No need to make it complicated or formal. Take your contact out to coffee or meet them at their office and bring a cup (call/text before and ask: “I’m bringing coffee – what would you like?”). The format of the meeting doesn’t matter — just focus on having a good conversation and learning something new. Making a good impression is most important.

8. “Don’t be too pushy”

Remember that personal connections are stressful for both sides. The person you’re meeting might be concerned about your expectations from them, as well. Keep in mind that not everyone is in a position to refer you to a job, and keep expectations low key and relaxed.

9. “Be vulnerable.”

Talking about yourself in a genuine and self-critical way makes you more trustworthy and confident sounding. You do not have to be perfect to be interesting — employers want an employee who is open to criticism and learning.

10. “Know when to drop it and move on.”

Sometimes you are just not a good fit with a job. Sometimes a network contact just won’t want to meet. Know when to give up and move on to better opportunities. Do not let a negative experience put you off. Learn from any mistakes you might have made, dust yourself off and try again.

Staying motivated through the process can be difficult. An article in the Journal of Management quotes researchers who suggest that the most important thing a job seeker can do to find work is to stay motivated and focused — advice which could just as easily apply to those seeking love:

“Just keeping motivated. You know, that’s a tough one when day in and day out, doors are slamming in your face because, you know, you’re not the only person applying for a particular job or you’re not the only person reaching out to somebody. And, I think, trying to keep a smile on your face and staying motivated that it will happen when it’s meant to happen. That’s the ticket. I think that’s the toughest thing when you’ve been out of work for a long period of time.

What other rocks have you not turned over? And if you turned over every rock that you can and reached out to god knows how many people (…), and you’re not getting anywhere and the train is not moving down the tracks, it is very tough to put one foot in front of the other and say, okay, tomorrow’s going to be a better day. That sounds just so old-fashioned or cliched but it’s true.”

Bottom line:

Whether looking for love or trying to find work, human nature requires that we do certain things in order to be successful: we need to be self-aware, clear about our goals, and to plan and implement steps to reach out and to meet others face to face.

Most importantly, acknowledge that the process of meeting goals (whether it’s love or work) will most probably take more time, energy and motivation than we would like. And then, just keep going.

February 16, 2015 Leave a Comment

How Looking for a Job is Like Looking for Love

Close up of a person holding a red heart

A few years ago, I had the privilege of speaking with Dan Ariely, author and Duke University Professor of Psychology and Behavioural Economics, at the launch of one of his many books examining irrationality and market forces. In the book, he had discussed the struggles that people face when they use online dating sites. It got me thinking about the parallels between the struggles of job seekers to find work and those of single people looking for love, and the fact that we have still not succeeded in creating effective systems to link job seekers to job openings (or single people to each other). As Dr Ariely signed my copy of his book, I asked him about this. He was aware of these parallels, and referred me to the work of Nobel Prize winners Peter Diamond, Dale Mortensen and Christopher Pissarides (an excellent read, if you’re an employment theory geek).

In a later book (which is really worth reading), The Upside of Irrationality, Ariely summed up the challenges facing users of online dating sites:

The fundamental problem is that online dating sites treat their users as searchable goods, as though they were digital cameras that can be fully described by a few attributes such as megapixels, lens aperture, and memory size. But in reality, if prospective romantic partners could possibly be considered as “products,” they would be closer to what economists call “experience goods.” Like dining experiences, perfumes, and art, people can’t be anatomized easily and effectively in the way that these dating Web sites imply.

So we know that while we know that there are jobs and suitable job seekers out there, somehow it’s exceedingly difficult for them to meet; the question is, what does work?

Often, in my 20+ years working with job seekers, I have noticed the parallels between the strategies that work for finding work and those that might work for someone who is looking for a partner. To test this theory, I decided to do a quick online search for “how to find love”, which yielded a lovely, common sense Wikihow post that demonstrates my theory pretty well. It recommends 10 steps to help “find love”, most of which can be neatly applied to job search.

The Wikihow writer divides the 10 steps into 3 main parts:

Know Yourself
Reach Out
Make Moves

I, too, advise job seekers to:

Know themselves — assessing themselves to discover their strengths, weaknesses and assets, which they can share in resumes, LinkedIn and in information and job interviews
Put themselves out, to reach out to network contacts and potential employers
Make moves to meet employers in person

Ten steps to find love (or a job):

1. “Understand what you have to offer”.

The writer proposes asking questions about yourself. We recommend you ask questions, too, so that you can describe yourself in interviews, resumes and cover letters, including topics such as:

How would you describe yourself briefly?
What are your strengths, your weaknesses?
How would you describe your skills?

2. “Build confidence”.

Confidence is important for job search. It’s useful to understand your brand, which are the assets that make you unique and interesting to employers, and be able to talk about yourself with confidence.

3. “Know what you’re looking for in someone else”.

Just as with the search for an ideal partner, it’s important to think through what would be important in choosing the next job. Think through the kind of employer you are targeting and the nature of the job you are seeking. I highly recommend that job seekers actively target companies that they would like to work for, and develop a list of people in those companies with whom they might like to meet for information interviews.

Try to keep your expectations flexible and think beyond obvious issues such as salary and benefits, or the size of the company, such as the values of the company and the opportunities the job may offer for the future.
Identify those characteristics of a job you consider most important: what is the minimum salary you need? how important are benefits? do you want to work in a team more than on your own? how much travel would you be able to do?
Remember: keep your expectations flexible, and be prepared to reconsider, if necessary.

4. “Meet people”.

Widening your network is just as important for job seekers as it is for those searching for love. Keep these points in mind:

Don’t turn down any opportunity to meet new people. It’s a mistake to underestimate the value of people you meet to your job search. You never know who they might know.
Take up any opportunity to attend a job or information interview — you might be more impressed than you expect by a company and the opportunities it might offer you.
Be prepared to invest time in conducting information interviews — you can learn a lot and meet new networking contacts

5. “Present yourself as someone who’s available”.

While I generally don’t recommend annoying your friends on Facebook with repeated announcements of your need for work (desperation isn’t attractive), it’s a good idea to make sure that people around you know that you are looking. As the original Wikihow author says: “take measures to make sure people know you’re available and willing to take things further if the opportunity arises.”

Evaluate your appearance. When interacting with potential employers, dress like a potential employee; “project your confidence and uniqueness with clean, well-styled clothes and a pleasant expression on your face”.
When interacting with new network contacts, show interest and listen with care. Express interest and ask questions; don’t just talk about yourself.
Be genuine — be prepared to reveal your challenges and strengths in a confident and honest way.

6. “Consider online dating”

Just as with dating, there are some effective online tools for finding new opportunities. Don’t hesitate to use them. (You will find a number of them listed here.)

7. “Ask people on dates”.

When you identify the people and companies you want to target for your search, take the initiative to set up an information interview or a volunteer opportunity. Meeting people face to face, or working side by side as a volunteer is a great way to be noticed as a potential employee.

8. “Stay on the same wavelength”.

Move at the right pace — try to find the balance between coming across as motivated and enthusiastic, but not annoyingly desperate.

9. “Be vulnerable”.

When you meet with potential employers, do your best to be genuine. Be prepared to admit your weaknesses and discuss your challenges. Be realistic about your abilities. Employers often are looking for honesty and a candidate’s ability to be self-critical.

10. “Try again”.

Know when to admit that a particular job search campaign is not productive. Remember that not all job search efforts will be fruitful, no matter how far you have come in the process. Know when to cut your losses and “move on”.

Keeping motivated can be very difficult. An article in the Journal of Management quotes researchers who suggest that the most important thing a job seeker can do to find work is to stay motivated and focused — advice which could just as easily apply to those seeking love:

Just keeping motivated. You know, that’s a tough one when day in and day out, doors are slamming in your face because, you know, you’re not the only person applying for a particular job or you’re not the only person reaching out to somebody. And, I think, trying to keep a smile on your face and staying motivated that it will happen when it’s meant to happen. That’s the ticket. I think that’s the toughest thing when you’ve been out of work for a long period of time. What other rocks have you not turned over? And if you turned over every rock that you can and reached out to God knows how many people, and you’ve sent newsletters to people saying this is what I’ve done, you know; and you do your own PR, and you kind of let the world know and you network and you do everything you could possibly do, and you’re not getting anywhere and the train is not moving down the tracks, it is very tough to put one foot in front of the other and say, okay, tomorrow’s going to be a better day. That sounds just so old-fashioned or cliched but it’s true.

Bottom line is that whether we are looking for love or trying to find work, human nature demands of us that we engage in certain behaviours to be successful: we need to be self-aware, be clear about our goals, to plan and implement steps to reach out and to meet others face to face. Most importantly, we need to remember that the process of meeting goals (whether it’s love or work) can take time, energy and motivation.